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The Dastardly Royalist Plot

Well, what a frustrating week it’s been!

To my great chagrin all the newspapers and the television content have been swamped with the royal visit. As a republican, it is embarrassing to watch the fawning press running after them and an adulatory public swarming to catch a glimpse of this irrelevant pair of freeloaders and their sprog!

Why, pages are even devoted to what dress Bill’s missus is wearing every day. (Which just goes to show how sexist the media are because hardly anyone commented on Bill’s clobber!)  Let’s face it – I just can’t bear being assailed by such inconsequential tripe.

When the public face of the Windsors was usually the loony Charles and the pathetic Dianna, I thought the monarchy was definitely on the skids and the ideal of the Republic would be realised in my lifetime. But I had underestimated the rat cunning of the Royal PR department!

Who could have imagined that they could find one of this dysfunctional family with enough intelligence and presence to be able to be coached to have an acceptable face to present to the general public? And then to orchestrate a marriage to someone who seems to have a little charm and common sense? And what’s more Bill’s missus is not a bad sort! Damn it – we have been outfoxed!

But at least one thing became clear to me as I listened to Tony Abbott’s worshipful address. I had previously thought that his overgenerous paid parental leave scheme was just an aberrant brain snap. But now I suspect it was deliberate ploy to get Bill to emigrate to Australia and put his missus out to work. The PPL would comfortably pay for a bevy of nannies! (I hope if they take the bait that they get to live at Coolum with Clive Palmer and all the other dinosaurs.)

And Joe Hockey, where were you in this travesty? You’ve just finished telling us in what dire straits our economy is in. How much did it cost to host these profligate free-loaders? The government won’t say because it is too embarrassed. The RAAF provided a jet to fly these cosseted spendthrifts from New Zealand to Australia and then all around the country. No doubt part of the rationale for the event was to allow them to meet the “common” people. You could have achieved the same result at modest expense by having them fly Jetstar! I hope you don’t let your financial acumen to be distorted in this way on budget day. (I suppose this is unlikely because Mrs Windsor and Phil the Greek are way over any mandatory raised pension entitlement age.)

(Mind you Joe, I will withhold judgment on your budget until I see it. But I must admit I am astounded by the gall of such as Penny Wong and Tony Burke in their criticism of your fiscal aspirations bearing in mind the total disaster of their government in this area!)

Accepting that the monarchists have stolen a march on the republicans in the manner I have described above, I can’t help thinking they have also deluded themselves. They look at prince charming Bill and princess What’s Her Name with starry eyes and imagine what wonderful monarchs they’ll be. But what a trap they have made for themselves! Before such a coronation can occur they will have to endure the frightening prospect of a sovereignty of loopy Charlie and the ghastly Carmilla! And with good longevity locked into their genes and the best medical attention that public money can buy they’ll probably live to be a hundred and fifty – and that would serve you right. Seventy years of Charles should cure you of monarchy! Imagine how proud we will all be of Prince Charlie? Pretty loopy now – but with the onset of dementia?

I am at a loss now what to do. I suspect Bill and What’s Her Name have set back the republican cause for some decades.

At my stage of life I can’t afford to wait so long. In desperation I am considering joining the ranks of the monarchists.

But if I do, I will also have a dastardly plan. And that, because of my Scotch ancestry, will be to restore the Stuarts to the monarchy. (This is probably the only thing I have ever written in my blog essays that my many Catholic friends might agree with.)

I am sure we could find a modern day Bonny Prince Charlie who could inspire us more than loopy Charlie Windsor.

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  1. 7 Comment(s)

  2.   By Ian Herbert on Apr 26, 2014 | Reply

    Ted,

    What a corker. I am speechless with admiration of your excellent description of this ridiculous caper. Please send it as a Letter to the Editor of every newspaper you can. It deserves greater exposure.

    Cheers, Ian H

  3.   By Mark Brookes on Apr 26, 2014 | Reply

    Being a cheeky ex-pat I must confess to enjoying the debate to which a royal visit gives rise. May I adopt the English cricket fans’ request to ask Mr Abbott to please take those stars off our flag, or quote Seinfeld who said “I love your flag, it looks like Britain at night”. Sorry Ted, I guess there’s a bit of infantile tribalism in me after all!

  4.   By Mark Shaw on Apr 26, 2014 | Reply

    Ted

    Freedom of Speech! As an ancestor of Bonnie Prince Charles (Go the Scots – no pun intended!)I too support a republic; not as passionately as you I must admit.

    Still freedom to express your views is paramount to any democracy and to that end I once again thank you for your passion and honesty.

    You continue to inspire me to make a difference in what ever way I can. Don’t stop blogging!!

    Mark Shaw

  5.   By Charlie Webster on Apr 26, 2014 | Reply

    Ted,

    Great stuff! I am actually more interested in Australia retaining the Ashes playing away, but I too am astounded at seeing the well oiled Windsor PR machine in action. Perfectly times with a new worthy and very popular GG Peter Cosgrove. A more pragmatic view of all this nonsense about our system of government says its working OK so leave it alone, but with the one proviso – rarely of ever let the Poms win the Ashes. At least we can laugh good naturedly with tem at their witty Barmy Army tunes. – that’s so difficult to do when they are winning.

  6.   By Matt Smith on Apr 26, 2014 | Reply

    I can see a republican in Prince George

  7.   By Geoff Higgins on Apr 27, 2014 | Reply

    Royals? Between the US dominated blog scene and pre-taped television on continuous loop, all I have had to do is continue my habit of not clicking the links to stories about royals and celebrities in my newsreader, and I hardly noticed that they were coming, have arrived, or maybe have been and gone. The longest article I’ve read about the royals is this one, and I still don’t know what what’s-her-name wore.

    Vive la republique!

    …Geoff

  8.   By tedscott on May 1, 2014 | Reply

    Thank you all for your comments. Ian, you probably took it more serious than I had intended.

    And flag Mark? We’ll show you a flag! Come the Republic it will probably have Malcolm Turnbull on it.

    Thanks for your comments Mark. Sometimes I think the only difference I make with my blogs is to relieve the insomnulence of my readership! But then, that is a satisfactory outcome.

    And I am with you Charlie. Who cares about the monarchy so long as we are winning the ashes.

    I am sorry Matt – I didn’t understand what you meant. Where you insinuating perhaps that George’s head might be too large for the crown?

    I always knew you were intelligent Geoff. And as you have obliquely suggested it is probably essential in trying to preserve what intelligence we have to ignore the media tripe on the royalty.

    Regards,

    Ted Scott

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